First of all, it is crucial to understand obedience in Islam; unfortunately, whether willingly or unwillingly, some people once becoming parents, they get so nervous, bossy, and controlling; they want their children to exactly copy their way, to directly listen to every single word they say, and to blindly follow each and every order they tell! Of course, that is totally irrational, and definitely not abiding by the Islamic sound reason!
As Islam is the true religion, reflecting the sound reason, and the realistic nature of the humans, it underlines that the ultimate obedience is only due to Allah, The Creator, The Wise, as He, alone, knows the best about us and our own good. Other than being consistently obedient to Allah, there is no such ‘ultimate obedience’ among us as human beings; there are always limits and stipulations of that human-to-human obedience. Those are the three general, major conditions of obedience in the human relationships:
Table of Contents
No Obedience When Disobeying Allah:
Simply, as a Muslim, I can’t obey my parents if they ask me not to perform salat! Or to be an atheist, for example; the obedience-criteria is being always and unwaveringly obedient to Allah, and to disobey whatsoever contradicts with Allah’s commands, yet firmly and kindly, without being rude or repulsive to the parents:
وَوَصَّيْنَا ٱلْإِنسَـٰنَ بِوَٰلِدَيْهِ حُسْنًۭا ۖ وَإِن جَـٰهَدَاكَ لِتُشْرِكَ بِى مَا لَيْسَ لَكَ بِهِۦ عِلْمٌۭ فَلَا تُطِعْهُمَآ ۚ إِلَىَّ مَرْجِعُكُمْ فَأُنَبِّئُكُم بِمَا كُنتُمْ تَعْمَلُونَ ٨
[And We have enjoined upon man goodness to parents. But if they endeavor to make you associate with Me that of which you have no knowledge, do not obey them. To Me is your return, and I will inform you about what you used to do.] [Al-‘Ankabut: 8].
Also, Allah’s Messenger (PBUH) told that simple rule of obedience so clearly, saying: “A creature is not to be obeyed when it involves disobedience to The Creator.”
Obedience for the Possible Good:
Obedience for the parents is due, as long as they ask their children for something good they already can. By nature, any person will not mind doing what is already beneficial and good.
Here, it is so crucial to stress the point of ‘the possible’. As a parent, you should be really reasonable and considerate when giving orders, being certain that your child can do what you ask him for. There is a really wise, Arabic saying that means: “If you want to be obeyed, order what could be done!” So, never burden your child with your too many orders, nor blame him for not obeying you in something he already can’t do!
No Obedience in Harm:
Reasonably, the Muslims don’t do anything harmful, not to himself, nor to the others; there is always a proper way, and a common ground between all to do the right thing. Allah’s messenger (PBUH) said: “There should be neither harming, nor reciprocating harm.”
So, for example, as a parent, you can’t be so bossy that you harm your child, like getting mad, when he refuses to lie about the problem you already made! Or when he refuses to disrespect someone, just because you hate him, only for your desire!
Also, your child is commanded to obey you for what you really need, to keep the harm away, like if you are really sick, and unable to go to the doctor by yourself, and asks him to take you there, he must listen and obey you. He will be disobedient, if he neglects your need, then.
How to Help Your Child to Be Obedient:
Absolutely, we are not here in Heaven to have all our children equally obedient all the time! Yet, there are some practical steps that you should keep in mind and practice consistently to help your child to be obedient as much as possible. Try some of these ones:
1. Considering Your Child as a Gift, and a Trial:
It is great to always keep in your mind that your child, to you, can be for your good, or for your bad, too. Yes, no one can deny that having children is one of the greatest blessings in life:
ٱلْمَالُ وَٱلْبَنُونَ زِينَةُ ٱلْحَيَوٰةِ ٱلدُّنْيَا ۖ وَٱلْبَـٰقِيَـٰتُ…
[Wealth and children are [but] adornment of the worldly life…] [Al-Kahf: 46].
However, you shouldn’t overlook the fact that they are also a trial for you from Allah to test your patience, wisdom, and sincere return to Allah, asking for His help and guidance.
إِنَّمَآ أَمْوَٰلُكُمْ وَأَوْلَـٰدُكُمْ فِتْنَةٌۭ ۚ وَٱللَّهُ عِندَهُۥٓ أَجْرٌ عَظِيمٌۭ ١٥
[Your wealth and your children are but a trial, and Allāh has with Him a great reward.]
[At-Taghabun: 15].
That notion helps you to keep balanced in the good times, and forbearing in the critical times, doing your part and being certain that everything happening to your child has ultimately a divine wisdom behind it. That keeps you returning to Allah for His support.
2. Being a God-Fearing, Pious Parent:
To raise a good child, it is very important to be a righteous parent who is himself consistently heedful of Allah, acting obediently to The Lord. That constantly provides you with such divine support, and spiritual connection to Allah; that, in turn, makes you even connect your child to his Creator, too:
وَلْيَخْشَ ٱلَّذِينَ لَوْ تَرَكُوا۟ مِنْ خَلْفِهِمْ ذُرِّيَّةًۭ ضِعَـٰفًا خَافُوا۟ عَلَيْهِمْ فَلْيَتَّقُوا۟ ٱللَّهَ وَلْيَقُولُوا۟ قَوْلًۭا سَدِيدًا ٩
[And let those fear [injustice] as if they [themselves] had left weak offspring behind and feared for them. So let them fear Allāh and speak words of appropriate justice.] [An-Nisaa: 9].
3. Being a Dutiful, Good Example:
Naturally, being a good, dutiful parent who really shoulders his responsibility for his child, and showers his child with deep wisdom, understanding and care, his child Insha’Allah will be a good person, well-raised on the true principles in life, seeing his parent as a great example to follow.
It is narrated that Allah’s Messenger (PBUH) praised some people saying: “Allah has called them the ‘dutiful’ (al-Abrar) because they are dutiful to their parents and children. Just as you have a duty which you owe your parent, so you have a duty which you owe your child.”
4. Being a Realistic, and Charitable Parent:
Parenthood is already full of high hopes, and hard challenges, too. So, it is key to be realistic and considerate, as that creates a trust-bond between you two; your child, then, becomes sure that you will never ask him what he can’t do, so he will try to respond to you, always. Again, remember: “If you want to be obeyed, order what could be done!”
Also, in Islam, charity (sadaqa) is so rewarding in bringing good, and protecting from evil; it is so recommended to heal from the diseases and even disorders in behaviors. When you feel that your child is becoming disobedient, or stubborn, give sadaqa with a sincere attention of asking for Allah’s help and guidance.
5. Consistently Return, and Supplicate to Allah:
Allah alone is The One Who blessed you with your child, and He is The Ultimate Guide to guide him to the good and make him obedient and dutiful to you. Not only you, but you also need to teach your child to supplicate and return to Allah, since his early childhood.
إِنَّكَ لَا تَهْدِى مَنْ أَحْبَبْتَ وَلَـٰكِنَّ ٱللَّهَ يَهْدِى مَن يَشَآءُ ۚ وَهُوَ أَعْلَمُ بِٱلْمُهْتَدِينَ ٥٦
[Indeed, [O Muḥammad], you do not guide whom you like, but Allāh guides whom He wills. And He is most knowing of the [rightly] guided.] [Al-Qasas: 56].
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Conclusion:
In conclusion, fostering obedience in a Muslim child begins with understanding its true Islamic meaning: ultimate obedience is to Allah alone. Obedience to parents is conditional and should never involve disobeying the Creator, causing harm, or demanding the impossible. By grounding your parenting in these principles, you move away from a controlling approach and instead build a relationship based on reason, mutual respect, and a shared commitment to what is right and good.
To practically nurture this balanced obedience, parents should focus on their own spiritual state and actions. Being a pious, dutiful, and realistic role model sets a powerful example for your child to follow. Consistently turning to Allah through supplication, viewing your child as both a blessing and a divine trial, and having faith in His ultimate guidance are the cornerstones of raising a child who is not only obedient to you but, more importantly, devoted to Allah.
